


Share With The Class

by beetattoo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pesterlog, Strilondes, background davekat and rosemary because im not a blasphemer, dirk breaks the news to the family group chat, i originally had this rated M for mentions of sex but thats misleading i guess. T it is, john isnt actually in this, or rather the news is broken whether he wants it to be or not, theyre all really extra and thats basically the plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9952925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetattoo/pseuds/beetattoo
Summary: TG: WHAT





	

**Author's Note:**

> All I wanted to do was write a funny group chat fic and it turns out formatting pesterlogs is hell. I tried my best. This is the result.
> 
> EDIT LIKE A YEAR LATER: I want to clarify that Roxy makes a lot of typos because she has autocorrect off and is living her best life, not because of her drinking. I see this fic as being post-canon and therefore post-Roxy quitting drinking.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering STRILONDE SQUAD HELL GROUP CHAT

TG: hey guys!!!!! 

TG: i haev some inCREDIBLE news for all of you :o 

TG: me and jade were in the lab today 

TG: and we figuredd out how to undo the sprite-merging thingy! 

TG: were gonna get hal back guys!!!!!! 

TT: That’s great, Rox. 

TG: “thats great rox” 

TG: oh come on at least *act* happy :) 

TT: I am happy. 

TT: I just don’t put exclamation points where they’re unwarranted. 

TG: im teasing u boi 

TT: Oh. 

TG: i dont blame u for feelin weird about it 

TG: but it was arquiuss choice to go back 2 “normal”! we gots to respect that 

TT: I suppose so. 

TG: wait a minute 

TG: does that mean 

TG: no, davepeta doesnt want to be split up, chill outttt 

TG: okay phew 

TT: I’m assuming the same goes for Jasprose? 

TG: oh hey were all online at the same time !! :D 

TG: that like NEVR happens 

TT: Roxy? 

TG: yea yea shes staying half cat 

TG: all of u are so weird abt those guys 

TG: they arent even rly alternate selves any more 

TG: bein all mixed up with other ppl adn all 

TT: We’ve had this conversation before. I’d rather not have it again. 

TT: Seconded. 

TG: thirdeded 

TG: … 

TG: well nOW that were all here…. 

TG: what should we talk about?!?!?!?! 

TG: with all my time spent in the lab i dont get nearly enoguh time to chat w my fam 

TG: tell me evvverythign thats been goin on w u guys 

TG: romance, perhaps ;) 

TG: oh come on 

TG: what could possibly have changed since the last time we talked 

TG: me and karkat arent at any sort of risk of breaking up 

TG: rose is literally married 

TG: and dirk is 

TG: well 

TT: … 

TG: see 

TG: i just thought id open up the floor 4 anybody who wants 2 share! 

TG: thouhgts 

TG: feelins 

TG: juicy details ;) 

TG: this is a family group chat 

TG: has that literally ever stopped you before 

TG: touche 

TT: Here’s a bit of a non sequitur: 

TT: Has anyone seen John in the last few days? 

TT: He wasn’t at his house when I went to drop off some embroidery I’d done for him. 

TG: pestered him a few times but no i havent 

TT: How recently? He won’t answer my messages. 

TG: that was… a couple weeks ago actually 

TG: hes not all holed up at casa lalonde again is he 

TG: not the boring married women casa lalonde 

TG: the cool mom casa lalonde 

TT: Wow, Dave. 

TG: nopeeee he only ever pops over here to eat our food 

TG: the boys a cryptid i havent seen him for more than thirty seconds at a time in forever ! 

TG: but im not the parent u shoud b askign about johns wherabouts ;))))))) 

TT: 

TG: 

TG: what 

TT: Roxy, don’t. 

TG: WHAT 

TT: I must admit even I didn't see that one coming. 

TG: dirk tell me shes lying 

TT: … 

TT: You’d think that on the ranking of “Strilondes Most Likely To End Up With John Egbert”, Dirk would be at a solid fourth place. 

TT: And yet. 

TT: The more I think about this, the more I feel I should've known it would happen all along. 

TT: Don’t get ahead of yourself, Rose. 

TT: It isn't serious. 

TG: oh my god 

TT: You guys know that Jake will disappear for months on end when he needs space. 

TT: We talked about it, and it makes sense for it to work out this way. I kind of need someone to cling to at all times. 

TT: Dave, you should at least sympathize with that. 

TT: Damn. 

TG: i just cant believe that my best friend has now done it with BOTH of my parents 

TG: this is so against the bro code 

TG: the bro gods are weeping quietly in their pantheon at this flagrant disobedience of their commandments 

TG: oh cmon dave me n john nEver 

TG: oh thank god 

TT: Oh, thank god. 

TG: what????! 

TT: I feel a lot better about a member of our family corrupting John if at least the union isn’t heterosexual. 

TG: wait so are me and rose the only ones not part of the giant poly mess then 

TG: and karkat and kanaya by extension i guess 

TT: Vriska and Terezi. 

TT: I find it so intriguing that the trolls come from a society where having multiple partners is the norm, yet all the remaining trolls are in monogamous relationships while the majority of humans are part of your Giant Poly Mess. 

TG: its cause quadrants suck thats why 

TT: I do think the concept of moirallegiance is something that could be introduced to human society with positive consequences. 

TT: But otherwise, yes, Dave, quadrants kind of suck. 

TG: i feel like were getting off tipic 

TG: *topix 

TG: r we all gonna ignore the fact tht DIRK AND JOHN?!?!?!?! 

TG: whered dirk go 

TT: Yes, let’s talk more about that. 

TT: Dirk, “we talked about it” is so vague. How did it happen? 

TG: ok i actually kinda want to know 

TG: like i cant believe somebody finally broke thru egberts massive walls of no homo 

TG: we all kind of knew it was inevitable 

TG: like if i can do it so can he 

TG: but i was starting to think he really was the last straight person alive 

TG: i kno! 

TG: like even jane cracked before he did can u believe it 

TG: altho how could she resist when me n callie are so enticing *waggles eyebrows* 

TG: WHERES DIRK 

TG: one sec im mesagign hal 

TG: … 

TT: … 

TG: … 

TT: Okay, fine, I’m back! 

TG: gotcha >:) 

TT: I find it inaccurate that you’re labeling everyone not in a monogamous relationship part of the “giant poly mess.” 

TT: That implies all of us are involved with all of us somehow. 

TT: And while it’s certainly easier to call it a mess than explain all of the various intricacies, I'd rather not insinuate that I am sleeping with women or that any of the Crockenglishharleybert family are sleeping with each other. 

TG: dirk ew 

TG: sorry we just all sort of know whats going on with who so its easier than saying like “all the individials not involvwd in monogamous relationships” everytime 

TG: *individuals 

TG: *involvrd 

TG: *involved 

TG: *monogamus 

TT: No, you spelled monogamous right. 

TT: No, you spelled monogamous right. 

TT: Jinx. 

TG: hahahahahaha 

TG: aaaanyways dirk i know when ur stalling!!!! 

TG: u better tell ur family allll about ur steamy egbertian affair 

TG: wonk wonk etc 

TG: come 2 mama 

TG: gross 

TT: If we let Dave veer down the Oedipal track we’ll never get the conversation back. I’m cutting this train of thought off before it can leave the station. 

TT: Dirk, you still haven't told the story. 

TT: Spill. 

TG: (nice metaphor sis) 

TT: I would if y'all would let me get a word in edgewise! 

TG: YALL 

TG: FUCK 

TT: Dave shut up oh my god. 

TT: Let’s all agree to not say anything until Dirk explains himself. 

TG: … 

TG: … 

TT: … 

TG ……,. 

TG: ………….. 

TT: ….. 

TG: (dirk pls) 

TT: ………………. 

TT: Fine. 

TT: First of all, it is pretty much the opposite of a steamy affair. 

TG: (hes lyin theyre totally doign it) 

TT: Roxy. 

TG: (sorry) 

TG: (wOnk) 

TT: I won't disclose the details of my sex life. Unlike some of you, I have integrity. 

TG: (HA) 

TT: (No comment.) 

TT: Thanks, guys. 

TT: I will, however, tell you that it’s been going on for about a month but I’ve been hanging out with John since after Halloween. 

TT: Look, Jake and I are working on our shit. 

TT: But there’s so much nasty history there that we agreed that we can spend a few years exploring our options. For him, that means spending a lot of time alone, and I respect that. For me, that means learning to have casual relationships, platonic or otherwise, and he respects that. 

TT: It became pretty clear pretty quickly, though, that my “options” are incredibly limited. 

TT: John is literally the only guy among us that isn't either related to me, already in a relationship, or named Jake English. 

TG: look this is all well and good but we dont want logistics we want DEETS 

TT: You would, wouldn’t you? 

TG: ….. 

TG: what are you accusing me of 

TT: At this point I think it’s kind of inherent in the Strilonde genome to be attracted to John Egbert. 

TT: Unless you’re a lesbian, of course. 

TT: Thank you. 

TG: hes right dave 

TG: i may no longer have any interest in dating him but i think we can all admit 

TG: john egbert is a hunk ;) 

TG: everything about this feels wrong 

TT: Dave, the other day you and Rose were discussing in detail the usefulness of troll tongues. In the group chat. With your entire family. I don't think you get to be the judge of what is wrong. 

TG: wow that was practically lalondian of you 

TG: *slow clsp* 

TG: *clap 

TT: Guilty as charged. But we were talking about Dirk, weren't we? 

TT: Goddamnit. 

TT: What exactly is it you guys even want to know? 

TG: LIGHTING ROUDN 

TG: ah yes the elusive lighting round 

TG: lets all fire off our deepest thoughts about electronic light features 

TG: ill go first 

TG: ive always harbored a secret attraction to lava lamps 

TG: :( 

TT: I knew it. 

TT: I always wondered where all the lava lamps I alchemized on the meteor had disappeared to. 

TG: dave!!! omg O.O 

TG: i think lava lamps are pretty tame compared to a giant octopus kink 

TT: It’s such a shame we didn't discover an alien species with lava lamps for genitalia. 

TT: I think we know who the real winner is here. 

TG: GUYSE get back on track!!!!!!!1! 

TG: if u keep this up dirks gona dissapear again!! 

TG: does dissapear have 1 or 2 ss 

TT: One. 

TT: One. 

TG: got him ;) 

TG: wait a minute. 

TG: the whole reason we started talking about this was because nobodys heard from john in a while 

TG: is he 

TG: *gasps* 

TG: is he at ur apartment 

TG: like right now 

TT: ...holy shit. 

TG: is he like 

TG: with you 

TG: is he like WITH with you 

TG: oh my god are you guys in bed 

timaeusTestified [TT] banned himself from STRILONDE SQUAD HELL GROUP CHAT

TG: OH MY GOD 

TG: *CACKLING* >:D 

TT: Nice work, team. 

TG: i cant fucking believe it 

TG: we broke dirk strider 

TT: Come on, it’s not like he’s particularly hard to break. 

TG: tru :( 

TT: We Strilondes are a particularly breakable sort. 

TG: hey goign back to my original point….. 

TG: hal is actually back already! 

TG: i was wondering if u guys would b ok with me adding him 2 the group chat??? 

TG: he isnt part troll or part animal anymore so now hes 100% strilonde 

TG: it only seems fair :o 

TG: well 

TG: hes not actually evil right thats just dirk being dirk 

TG: not at all! hes learned a lot i think 

TG: thats probably fine then 

TG: rose???? 

TT: I don’t see a problem with it. 

TG: omg great :) 

TG: ill have to formaly ask him when i see him again at the lab 

TT: Oh, don’t bother. 

TT: I’ve been here the whole time. 


End file.
